June 18, 2014 by The Zemanifesto
Pat Robertson is a special guy — how special, you ask? Well, God (in his/her ostensibly infinite wisdom) speaks directly to him, revealing information about all sorts of issues facing planet Earth.
Granted, sometimes that information turns out to be
completely fucked a bit off the mark, like the time Robertson reported the Lord’s prediction of a two-term Mitt Romney presidency:
But in these five glorious instances, everybody’s favorite charlatan is in top form. And while he may be completely wrong, it just feels so right. Take us away, Pat.
1. Where No Van Has Gone Before
Over 95% of climate scientists actively publishing on global warming agree that it’s caused by human activity. Then again, roughly 0% of climate scientists speak directly to God.
And since Robertson claims to have the ultimate inside scoop, what does he say about climate change?:
“The inconvenient truth is it’s getting cold… some parts of America are colder than Mars… It’s getting warmer in Jupiter, and they don’t have any SUVs driving around in Jupiter.”
2. Brucifer Lee?
3. Gay People Push Pat’s Buttons, He Just Wants To Push Back
But it’s important to remember that real men don’t press buttons, they punch them:
“You’ve got a couple of same-sex guys kissing, do you like that? Well that makes me want to throw up… to me I would punch ‘Vomit;’ not ‘Like, but they don’t give you that option on Facebook.”
4. Hey, Kids, If You Don’t Pray, God Will Kill Mickey Mouse With A Meteor
Or hurricanes, or some earthquakes or a terrorist bomb… I mean, God isn’t always so specific when he levels death threats at entire cities, apart from selecting a specific city.
He works in mysterious ways, ok? The point is, stop waving those rainbow flags in his fucking face:
“I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you … It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.”
5. No, Seriously, Pray Right Now Or God Will Fucking Kill You With Weather
To hear Robertson tell it, God is pretty serious about getting his daily prayer fix.
It isn’t enough to avoid being born gay and/or refrain from waving pride flags in God’s face, you need to pay your dues each day by getting on your knees and… I don’t know, asking him for help with shit:
“If enough people were praying, (God) would’ve intervened. You could pray. Jesus stilled the storm. You can still storms.”
To be fair, God only seems to employ this strategy in tornado-prone regions — go figure.
All illustrations by Greg Zeman