#12: The One With Fire Ants, Spider Fires & The Best Possible Ending

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July 16, 2014 by The Zemanifesto

aracnophobia-movie

Kill It With Fire!

Remember that scene from Arachnophobia  where Jeff Daniels flambés a spider using a can of spray paint and a cigarette lighter? Well, a Seattle man facing an arachnid invasion of his own apparently looked to that scene for inspiration and almost burned his house down.

According to local media, the man was waging fiery battle with a spider in his laundry room when the wall it was crawling on caught fire. Unable to put the blaze out himself, the man called 911, ostensibly to report a home invasion by a bulldog-sized spider and — oh yeah — that he set his house on fire.

140715_spider_fire_03

The spider may have survived, the wall did not. — AP

Kyle Moore, a representative of the Seattle Fire Department, said fire is never a good choice for pest control. From Komo News:

“The spider tried to get into the wall. He sprayed flames on the wall, lit the wall on fire, and that extended up to the ceiling… I don’t want to encourage people to do this, but that’s what he did… There are safer, more effective ways to kill a spider than using fire. Fire is not the method to use to kill a spider.”

Moore also attempted to assuage any fears about the clearly dangerous spider still being on the loose, saying “I’m pretty sure the spider did not survive this fire. The whole wall went.”

But when the flames subsided and the smoke cleared, no spider body was found at the scene…

Speaking Of Killing Insects With Fire…

Looking for a practical and artistic use for all that molten aluminum you’ve got lying about? Why not pour it directly into a fire ant colony? There are three distinct reasons to do this:

1. You’ve got all that molten aluminum just simmering anyway, so why not use it for something productive?

2. The resulting abstract sculpture will be organic, hand-crafted, natural, homemade and artisanal. Now you can show guests how much more cultured and intelligent you are than them:

fire-ant-colony-aluminum-sculpture-33. FUCK. FIRE. ANTS. There were seriously people in the comments on Youtube writing things like “Oh noes, did ALL the ants die?” and calling it a “genocide.”

From the video description written by the original poster after closing down the comments:

“I disabled comments because I’m sick of your bickering. Also, I couldn’t get YouTube to stop sending me an email every time someone posted ‘What if I poured aluminum in your house’ for the 100th time.”

First of all, an ant colony is an organism, which “individual” ants are just components of, so there’s really only one ant — discuss amongst yourselves. Much more importantly, FUCK FIRE ANTS.

If you have anything nice to say about fire ants then fuck you you’ve never had to live somewhere infested with them. Apparently they’re invasive and hurt the environment, but none of that even factors into my hatred.

Everything I know about those despicable, bloodthirsty monsters I learned firsthand during the year my family lived in hell San Antonio, Texas. Frankly, I think being incinerated by molten metal is a bit too quick and painless for the bastards, but the results (dead fire ants plus badass art) are hard to argue with.

The Proper Way To End Your Blog Post

 

 

 

 

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